How to respond in the face of conflict

Jun 17
Conflict was the next topic for the class. I asked for a volunteer to stand next to me and make a fist. With no other directions to my volunteer, I made a fist and placed my knuckles directly against his. Slowly I pushed my knuckles into his with greater pressure. As I leaned more into his fist he returned in kind by pushing back with equal pressure. Then I stopped and asked him one question. “Why are you pushing on my fist?” The response is always the same. “Because you’re pushing on me!”
It’s our human nature when someone pushes on us, we push back. It’s instinct. Pushing on us can be physical (as in this example) or it can be verbal. Either way, when we feel like someone is pressing in on us, we will begin to feel threatened and as a result, we press back.

As sales professionals and leaders there will be times when we’re placed in difficult communication situations with our customers or our teams. How we handle these situations can determine the success of projects, companies, and our careers. Here are three tips to help create positive outcomes in these situations.

1. Make it safe

When we feel threatened we immediately get defensive. We’re protecting ourselves. Once we’ve established a good defense, we usually retaliate in kind with an offensive attack. To prevent the escalation of difficult conversations, you’ve got to get others to lower their shields. That will only happen if you are willing to lower yours. Judy Ringer, conflict resolution author and trainer, offers several great expressions you can use to help make it safe for the conversation to take place. Please don’t read the following suggestions like a script! Instead, use them as an example to help you create your own natural conversations. Here are a couple of her suggestions:

“I’d like to talk about ___________________. I think we may have different ideas on how to _____________________.” 

“I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well.”

2. Turn the other cheek

If the conversation began with a verbal attack from the other person, then you never had a chance to use the suggested conversation starters above. In this case, you need to first be the bigger person and fight the innate urge programmed deep down inside your core to fight back. It takes much more strength to NOT return in kind than to lash out after being attacked. Shari Alexander points out that if we focus too much on winning we are more tempted to attack the person instead of staying focused on the issues.

"…But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also."
-Matthew 5:39b (ESV)

3. Listen before you speak

Psychologist Dr. Sherrie Campbell points out that listening is the key to any conflict resolution. This doesn’t mean sitting quietly just waiting for your turn to talk, it means empathetically listening to the other person’s thoughts from his/her perspective. She suggests you drop the desire to win and open the pathway to true listening. It’s only through this pathway of listening we can all move toward better solutions.

"It is the mark of an educated man to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."
-Aristotle

We’ll have another chance…

Sitting here at my desk just writing about turning the other cheek is much easier said than done. I know that because just like you, I’ve been there. I kick myself sometimes because I can look back on tough conversations I had and I realize I could’ve handled it so much better. My prayer for all of us is that the next time we find ourselves under attack in a tough conversation we will be reminded to pause for just one moment. In that moment, I’m hopeful we will all remember there is a better way to respond.

All the best,
Russ
Russ Peterson Jr.
Co-founder, iSpeak